Bob Ross: bringing surreal calmness to a generation of parents
Tuesday, June 7th, 2016
Bob Ross is on Netlfix now. Let that sink in.
There was a time, a very, very long time, where you, and I, tried to parent without the help of a Bob Ross video at the end of the day to calm you. To put you to sleep.
Pat yourself on the back for that.
And now, take a deep breath. Imagine you’re sitting in in a rocking chair in a little shack out in the woods.
And it’s snowing.
Let’s get crazy here.
And now there’s a stream.
Oh, and a little squirrel in your pocket.
What was that? Is that a bear?
Just going to clean my brush here for a second.
Ha, beat the devil out of it. Did you know I have a crow? Yeah, she can’t fly.
No, it’s a rock formation.
And look over there, it’s a babbling brook!
And I think we’re done. Wasn’t that easy?
You’re calm now. You’ve been Bob Ross-ed.
Now, I sincerely hope you know who Bob Ross is, even if you’ve only heard of him through legend passed down by friends. I certainly remember being a kid using his painting show to calm myself. There was something about that hair, that beard, and that ability to insert a story about a pocket squirrel into a television show about painting.
It is quite literally impossible to avoid calming down while watching this man do his work.
So when Netlfix announced season one of Bob Ross: Beauty is Everywhere was being added to it’s lineup I got all nostalgic. I remembered the good old days. I pictured myself falling asleep to the sound of his voice and his brushstrokes on the canvas. I remembered him making the switch from thalo blue to Van Dyke brown. And then my kids broke my nostalgia-ing by barging into my room two hours past bedtime because they couldn’t find where they had put their pillow.
This, normally, would have stirred a rage inside of my mind. It normally would have sent me screaming. But, I could still picture my seat in the cabin in the forest in the snow. I still felt calm. I still felt serene. I felt like I could talk to them rationally and appropriately.
Bob Ross can save parents from the stress applied by their kids!
I very seriously suggest never again making a parenting decision without first consulting a Bob Ross video.
To that end, here are five Bob Ross episodes currently on Netflix that will help you get through the next moment you feel as though your head is about to roll off.
It’s like the parent version of their child’s calm down chair. Go to the silent forest whenever your kid has refused the third dinner option you’ve presented. Sit there for as long as you need to. Focus on that one leaf up there on that maple tree. stare at it the way your kid does when they want the piece of cheese you just cut for yourself.
Bonus points if your child is named Dawn. The trick here is to imagine a dawn when your children aren’t waiting at the foot of your bed asking you to come downstairs so they can show you the mess they worked so hard on making when they poured cereal without the lights on.
Imagine yourself up in the old oak tree, your kids unable to climb up there to get you. They are trying to, of course, because you took away the doll they were punching each other over. They are standing on each other’s shoulders now. See, you already have them working as a team. You’re still up to high though, this old oak tree is amazing.
There is no bathroom in this cabin so your kids can’t find you. Their navigational processes aren’t set to find parents unless they are in a bathroom. Imagine there’s some moonshine in a cupboard. It’s yours. There is no glass to drink from. You drink from the moonshine bottle.
*I am part of the Netlfix StreamTeam and this is part of that. I swear to you I have fallen asleep to Bob Ross videos more than 50 per cent of the nights since these videos were added to Netflix.