Would you rather? The game that makes parents squirm

Tuesday, July 28th, 2015

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Have you ever played Would You Rather? with a friend, an enemy or with a next-door-neighbour who is neither friend nor enemy?

I don’t know if “WYR?” is even an actual game or something I’ve made up because my mind likes to wander and it seems like something people would have fun (or hate vehemently) playing. But since it seems like it should be real, I wanted to come up with a version of this (maybe) real game that gave parents an opportunity to think about the magical circumstances they often find themselves in.

The correct answer to most of these will likely be “run away,” or “cower in the corner.” And really, cowering in the corner is what parenting small children is all about. Keep in mind my kids are still young (three and five) so there’s plenty of room left for you to create your own version for older kids and the situations I’m sure make you frightened to the point of incapacity.

The rules are simple: read the question, imagine how much you’d rather do neither, and give an answer. Then ball up in the fetal position. Repeat. Nobody wins here, you just lose worse than others. Decide for yourself who is the biggest loser by randomly assigning points to yourselves the same way you do when you’re trying to get your kids to behave.

THE QUESTIONS

Would you rather  have two of every colour of every cup in your house or be able to turn every hairpin in your house into a granola bar?

Would you rather hear “I love you” only once ever or “are we there yet” 1,000,000 times in three days?

Would you rather your child be out of diapers but blow their nose on your pillowcase or be in diapers but have boogers that dissolved toilet clogs?

Would you rather be able to accurately predict your partner’s rock, paper, scissor moves or a dog that can handle nighttime kid wakeups?

Would you rather have a child who gets up eight times during the night but wakes up at 9 a.m. or a child who sleeps through the night but wakes up at 4:30 a.m. and has a fog horn for a voice?

Would you rather put your kids down on a public toilet you aren’t able to clean first or go wipe a public toilet for your kids using only one square of toilet paper?

Would you rather lose all of your hair or let your kids play “hairstyles” on you for three straight days with that brush they always yell at you for using?

Would you rather sit with them as they eat the peanut butter sandwich you cut into triangles like a jerk instead of circles like they asked or eat a sandwich they prepared after they went to the bathroom and “swear they washed their hands”?

Would you rather have your partner kick you in the crotch only one time or try and play a 15-hour long game of climb on Mommy and Daddy with your kids without being able to protect your crotch?

Would you rather watch Max and Ruby for three weeks straight or never watch television again, ever?

Would you rather find your kid eating the cat’s food or find your cat conspiring with your kid to overthrow your parenting regime?

Would you rather have clothes that grew as your kids did but had the attitude of a tired three-year-old or clothes that cleaned themselves but shrunk every time your child said both please and thank you?

Would you rather have your child tell you they’ve made up their mind and their going to be a cliff jumper when they grow up or tell you they’ve made up their mind and their going to live with you when they grow up?

Would you rather have your kids walk in on you and a partner in the middle of a sexual rendezvous or have your face be permanently the colour your face would be if your kids walked in on you having a sexual rendezvous?

Would you rather have your kids say “fuck” in your house when they wanted or have your kids say “how the fuck are you?” to their grandparents or teachers just once?

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