Don’t drink the toot water: a bedtime story about farts
Sunday, January 4th, 2015
(The title is correct, this is a bedtime story about farts. It was inspired by a glorious Facebook post from a friend of mine about bathtime tooting).
It was the end of the day and the girls were dirty.
They were always dirty. They had dirty hair, dirty feet, dirty underarms and dirty spots behind their knees.
So a bath was being drawn. Drawn with water, not with crayons because crayons are dirty too.
The bubbles were piled high as the girls dipped their smelly and stinky toes into the pink and blue-tinted mound.
They settled in and made beards on their smelly chins and piled huge muscles on the stinky arms.
Slowly, the bubble pile started to shrink until suddenly there were none left.
The girls looked at one another. then they looked at me.
Then from the bottom of the tub rose the nemesis of the soap, the hater of the shampoo, the destroyer of bubbles.
It was a toot.
When kids turn into adults they look at toots like they look at stinky kids—with disgust.
When kids are still kids, they look at toots like they look at banana splits—with amazement.
They girls quickly scooped up the water while they could still see what they thought was the toot.
They brought the water to their mouths.
“Don’t drink the toot water!”
They never let kids drink the toot water.
Explanations from parents for why kids can’t they drink the toot water
The water is full of toots.
Toots come from bums.
Explanation from kids for why they should drink the toot water
Toot water might make you fly.
Toot water might taste like ice cream.
Toot water might make your muscles bigger just like parents say milk does.
Toot water could be why Wonder Woman has such wonderful powers.
Parents don’t drink toot water and they can’t do any of those things so there’s no reason to think toot water doesn’t do all of these things.
To drink the toot water or to not drink the toot water, it’s a battle that has raged between parents and children since humans first tooted.
There the now not-quite-dirty kids sat, toot water cups full and tilted towards their mouths.
The parents sat at the edge of the tub, each one pointing one finger at one child’s toot water cup.
“Don’t drink that toot water,” they said in a parental warning voice. “It’ll taste like bum and toot.”
What came of the toot water?
The kids drank it of course. They shimmied their way towards the back of the tub daring their parents to come in to the tub to get the toot water cups from them. They didn’t follow and the toot water went down in one gulp.
Actual effects toot water has on kids
A scrunchy face (toot water does indeed taste like toots, parents are right about that).
Quick draining of the bath water.
Shivers for 15 minutes following the consumption of the toot water.
Flying powers (kids are right about that).
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