The Unintentional Children’s Accessory Scale of Embarrassment
Friday, January 10th, 2014
If you’re a parent or someone who has spent a morning in the presence of children before heading to work you’ve at some point or another walked out of your house with something your children put on you that weren’t completely aware of. Depending on your situation, and more importantly, what that thing they put on you was, you’ve suffered through varying levels of embarrassment.
If you’ve been wondering what level of embarrassment you should rightly feel, or if you’re imply wondering what the impact of the incident will be to non-parent co-workers, friends and family, I’ve developed a Scale of Embarrassment When You Walk Out of the House with Kids Stuff.
So, from least embarrassing to most:
Kick me I’m Daddy sign
It’s cute because they wrote it themselves and so kick is spelled “kik” and Daddy is spelled “Dady.” But after a while you will get tired of getting kicked in the ass because people will always listen to the directions of a sign on a humans back—especially if it seems they’re being directed by a child.
Action: Take the sign off and keep it in your office as a reminder of how great your kids are.
Shame level: Low.
Likely location is the bum area because kids are scarily good at unintentionally leaving things (food and toy cars are others) in the very spot you’re intending to sit. You can’t really feel a sticker the way you feel the steering wheel or windshield of a toy car pierce your buttocks so there it stays for everyone to stare at.
You’ll know it’s there when someone starts doing what you’ll think is The Robot. Then they’ll start making clicking sounds and you’ll know it isn’t The Robot but what it is. Then they’ll say, look at me I’m a transport truck. and I’m blue and red. Then you’ll get it.
Action: Take the sticker off and put it on the grown man on the ground pretending to be a truck.
Shame level: worse for him than for you.
Pinkie Pie hair piece
Playing My Little Pony with your daughter is fun. Having your Pinkie Pie hair piece tugged on when you’re working on a presentation about budget allocation is not. Most people don’t even have hair as long as Pinkie Pie so it’s sorely obvious that something is amiss.
Action: Lean back in your swivel chair as if you’re taking a huge midday stretch. On the way up from the stretch, reach behind your head, grab the hair you think is pinker and longer than your normal hair and quickly yank it out.
Shame level: Red faced level and red faces don’t go great with Pinkie Pie hair. It could be worse though, you could have had a Sunset Shimmer hair piece.
Your daughters sweater (from when you played Little Red Riding Hood)
We’ve all done it. We’ve seen a piece of children’s clothing and have tried to put it on. Sometimes this is done to try and get your child to put it on themselves, sometimes this is done because you’re playing dress up (Little Red Riding Hood) and sometimes you just dare yourself to see if you can a) get into the shirt and b) Houdini your way out of it afterwards. Well, sometimes you can’t get out of it and you say to yourself, “I’ll cut my way out of it after I have one bore delicious beer or wine drink.” But then you don’t, you go to sleep, you wake up to screaming children and you just happen to forget all the way up until you’re washing your hands in the workplace bathroom and think “hey, I can hardly breathe, I might have my daughters sweater on.”
Action: Have scissors at your desk and a spare blazer? This might be the time to use both of them. Get out of the sweater before you’re asphyxiated.
Shame level: Higher if you don’t get the sweater off and are carried via ambulance to the hospital.
As a dad to two girls, the most embarrassing thing that can happen to me is to leave the house without wearing something that they’ve given to me intentionally or unintentionally. This could be a hair clip that’s made it’s way into my jacket pocket, a bandaid stuck to my coat or a smearing of lip chap that was being used the night before as lipstick.
Action: Find something, anything of your child’s and put it on. If you need to excuse yourself from a meeting to do so, so be it.
Shame level: Nearly irreparable and irreversible levels of shame. Don’t let it happen twice.
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